Do you remember your first love? I do. I was so young and so naive. I had no idea how selflessly you could love another until I met him. He was on my mind uncontrollably and I didn’t want to fall asleep until I knew he was in bed safe and sound. The thought of losing him frightened me and the feeling of being without him made my body ache. I saw a future with him; I saw him at the end of the aisle, I saw us buying our first home, pushing a stroller through Central Park. He was mine, and he had my heart. But the first time, the first love almost never lasts.
The one you want, most times won’t want you.
The one you want will most likely not be good for you.
The one you have will most likely struggle and drag his feet to make you “his.”
The one you don’t want, wants you the most.
The one that’s good for you, is not the one you want.
The one you push away will be the one who runs after you.
The one dying to make you “his” is not the one you want to be with.
A friend said “I think the person for me is whoever is dumb enough to put up with me and that I am dumb enough to give my all to.”
I once loved someone so much that their flaws didn’t matter. I once loved someone stupidly, to a point of no return. But he wasn’t dumb enough to give me his all, so he wasn’t the one for me. What if I can never again love someone despite their flaws again? What if I’ve outsmarted everyone and can’t be dumb enough to put up with someone’s shit ever again?
Does that mean I’ll never find the one that’s meant for me?
And when it rains, the drops carry your name inside of them. They lightly tap at my window, reminding me of you with each little sound. They reflect your face and the gray skies remind me of days we spent inside this bed, arms and legs intertwined. My hair a mess and you would wear your old high school shirt. We ate when we wanted to and drifted in and out of sleep as we watched our favorite shows. I woke up with your lips all over my skin, and from there our bodies dove right into each other’s. When we were finished there were no need for words, you just stared into my soul, as the day turned to night, the hours passed us by without a care in the world for either one of us.
I want to tell the whole world about a friend of mine. This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine. I’m gonna take y’all back to the better times. I’m gonna talk about my momma if y’all don’t mind. I was 3 [7] years old when you and I move to the Chi [NY] Late December, harsh winter gave me a cold You fix me up something that was good for my soul. Famous homemade chicken soup, can I have another bowl? You worked late nights just to keep on the lights. Mommy got me training wheels so I can keep on my bike. And you would give me anything in this world
Michael Jackson leather and the glove, but didn’t give me a curl. And you never put no man over me, and I love you for that mommy can’t you see. Seven years old, caught you with tears in your eyes because a nigga cheated and telling you lies, then I started to cry. As we knelt on the kitchen floor, I said:
“Mommy I’m gonna love you ‘till you don’t hurt no more. And when I’m older, you ain’t got to work no more. And I’m gonna get you that mansion that we couldn’t afford. See your unbreakable, unmistakable, highly capable, lady that’s making loot. A living legend too, just look at what heaven do, send us an angel, and I thank you.”
Now I feel like there’s things I gotta get, things I gotta do just to prove to you, you was getting through.
You made your way into my heart and there you stayed. Resolute, permanent. You’ve planted your flag in the core of my soul. Unpacked your belongings, made yourself at home. You’ve kicked your feet up and occupied the very center of my heart.
I never wanted you there. You never really belonged. I need you to pack your things, there’s nothing left for you in here. I want to shout and tell you to get out but I know that’ll never work. This is my eviction notice for you, my last plea for your compassion. Leave now before you cause more dents inside of me. Exit the way you came in, and quit damaging me.
I want to hate it but I can’t
Have you ever seen either one this happy before?
I forgot what it was like to talk to someone every single day, from the moment you wake up, until right before one of you falls asleep. It’s not forced, it just flows. Conversations spur from just about anything, and get as deep and enthralling as they’ve ever gotten between you and anyone else. You talk about topics which you both disagree on, but for some reason you don’t disrespectfully argue, you two understand and respect each other’s views enough to just leave those topics alone.
You have no feelings for each other but you deeply care about one another. There are no walls up, no need to impress, you can just be yourself. You can share you deepest secrets, never have to lie and the other person knows your biggest fears and insecurities but never uses them against you. He tells you exactly what you should and shouldn’t do when it comes to guys and you give him a few pointers about how to treat women. He tells you you deserve better when you’re dating someone unworthy, and you do the same.
You feel totally comfortable around each other, and somehow, at some point, seeing them and being with them starts making you blush. It blossoms into something you never saw coming. Your heart grows twice the size it was when you only saw him as a friend. I guess people were right when they said the best thing to do is to fall in love with a close friend.
He said he fell in love with my smile, with the way I lick my lips without thinking. He said he loves the way I walk and the way I stare, right into his soul. He loves the way I carry myself and he loves the way I smell. He loves every part of me. The best kisser he’s ever known, he said.
He loves the way I am. He loves that I never try to be what I am not. I’m real, and he loves about that about me. I say how I feel and I feel what I show. My emotions so vivid, so pure. He loves the way I look at him and the things I do that make him smile. He loves the way I talk and the things I say. But above all things, he loves the way I make him feel.
Little does he know that it was never my intention to make him fall in love with me.
One of my favorite songs/albums at the moment.
You Oughta Know by Alanis Morissette
Jagged Little Pill
I want peace. I want happiness and inner calmness. I want to feel beautiful every day and for every smile to be genuine. I want to laugh and have all the time in the world for my friends. I want to share every special and tough moment with my family. I want my dreams to come true. I want my career to take off and be everything I ever wanted to be and more. I want to make my mother proud, or should I say even more proud. I want to love. I want to be loved. I want to be treated with respect. I want people to know how much I respect them. I want to help others in need. I want to always be a helping and uplifting hand to those around me, and even those I don’t know. I want my life to be significant. I want to make a change in the world. I want to stand for something, for anything worthwhile. I want to make a difference. I want to help those people that are in the same position I once was in. I want to empower women. I want to make young girls feel loved and beautiful. I want to be a mother. A good mother. The kind of mother my mother is. I want to be an aunt to my beautiful sister’s future children. I want to be a great wife to an even better husband. I want to be healthy. I want to live comfortably. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to be in the best shape of my life. I want to continue to be blessed. I want to continue to be humble and continue to be grateful for everything I am given. I want to write books and novels and stories for the world to read. I want to sing. I want to be in movies. So many things. I just want to be happy. I just want to be me.
