The most frightening thing in the world is not knowing what’s next. When you’re in school you have the security of knowing that once one year ends, the following will come as soon as September rolls back around. Graduating to me was exciting at first, but since I have been a ball of nerves, not really knowing what to expect.
Tonight, I’ve decided to throw that away. The only thing that will attract a bright future and a successful career is confidence and there’s no fear in confidence. I have to go forward with a pocket of hope, a brave soul and a mind full of knowledge and experience. I deserve the best because I’ve worked hard and the universe will unravel my future and set it right in front of me. I will continue to build my way to the top. I will keep going uphill with a smile on my face and nothing but the best intentions in my heart. I’m going to make it and so will you.
A friend said “I think the person for me is whoever is dumb enough to put up with me and that I am dumb enough to give my all to.”
I once loved someone so much that their flaws didn’t matter. I once loved someone stupidly, to a point of no return. But he wasn’t dumb enough to give me his all, so he wasn’t the one for me. What if I can never again love someone despite their flaws again? What if I’ve outsmarted everyone and can’t be dumb enough to put up with someone’s shit ever again?
Does that mean I’ll never find the one that’s meant for me?
And when it rains, the drops carry your name inside of them. They lightly tap at my window, reminding me of you with each little sound. They reflect your face and the gray skies remind me of days we spent inside this bed, arms and legs intertwined. My hair a mess and you would wear your old high school shirt. We ate when we wanted to and drifted in and out of sleep as we watched our favorite shows. I woke up with your lips all over my skin, and from there our bodies dove right into each other’s. When we were finished there were no need for words, you just stared into my soul, as the day turned to night, the hours passed us by without a care in the world for either one of us.
I don’t understand why people are so intimidated by a woman who is comfortable being who she is. People are so afraid of a woman with a voice and a woman who is not afraid to speak her mind. People shy away and build resentment against a woman that openly says “no” to the things she doesn’t agree with and fights for the things she truly loves.
Don’t allow anyone to stop you from being open with your feelings, attitudes and beliefs. They are what make you who you are. Liberate yourself from society’s perceptions of right and wrong and do what makes you feel at peace with yourself. People fear what they don’t know and hide from what they don’t understand. Don’t let their lack of knowledge and empowerment hinder you from being yourself.
Lying here. Staring at the ceiling. Knowing that in a few days this life that has become everything I know, will be over. Four years in a dorm room. Four years of unforgettable freedom. Lovers, fights, parties, mistakes, sleepless nights, lessons learned, class, work, sex, friends, experiences. All wrapped up in this dorm room. By this time next week, this will all end and I’ll never have or be able to live this life again. Undergrad is over. College is over. It’s scary to think about what the future holds and I can’t help but feel nostalgic at the beauty of this life. The carefree, anything goes attitude will not work anymore. The end is here. St. John’s University is now a part of my history.
You made your way into my heart and there you stayed. Resolute, permanent. You’ve planted your flag in the core of my soul. Unpacked your belongings, made yourself at home. You’ve kicked your feet up and occupied the very center of my heart.
I never wanted you there. You never really belonged. I need you to pack your things, there’s nothing left for you in here. I want to shout and tell you to get out but I know that’ll never work. This is my eviction notice for you, my last plea for your compassion. Leave now before you cause more dents inside of me. Exit the way you came in, and quit damaging me.
I forgot what it was like to talk to someone every single day, from the moment you wake up, until right before one of you falls asleep. It’s not forced, it just flows. Conversations spur from just about anything, and get as deep and enthralling as they’ve ever gotten between you and anyone else. You talk about topics which you both disagree on, but for some reason you don’t disrespectfully argue, you two understand and respect each other’s views enough to just leave those topics alone.
You have no feelings for each other but you deeply care about one another. There are no walls up, no need to impress, you can just be yourself. You can share you deepest secrets, never have to lie and the other person knows your biggest fears and insecurities but never uses them against you. He tells you exactly what you should and shouldn’t do when it comes to guys and you give him a few pointers about how to treat women. He tells you you deserve better when you’re dating someone unworthy, and you do the same.
You feel totally comfortable around each other, and somehow, at some point, seeing them and being with them starts making you blush. It blossoms into something you never saw coming. Your heart grows twice the size it was when you only saw him as a friend. I guess people were right when they said the best thing to do is to fall in love with a close friend.
Eat or be eaten, is the motto.
People feel threatened when they see how passionate I am. I am passionate about my work, my family, my friends, myself. I’m passionate about love, about learning, growing. I’m passionate when my lips touch someone else’s lips and when my body is loving someone else’s. I’m passionate when I laugh. When I smile. When I cry. Everything I do comes from my heart.
Every word I say inspires others to feel the same passion I feel inside. Because of my passion, I have been called the heart of my groups of friends; the glue that holds everyone together. I’m passionate about inspiring other people and helping people grow. I’m passionate about living and forgiving and giving.
The people who feel threatened by it are the ones who don’t understand it. The people who don’t understand it are the ones who haven’t had to fight for anything in their lives. Nothing I have came easy. Everything I am flourished after a long, hard battle, sometimes even a battle with myself. I’m proud to be the way I am and passion is just as much a part of me as every other quality I possess—as cliche as that may sound.
I am me because of the way I feel and the way I love. To some, my actions may seem erratic but in the end, they’re real. I don’t pretend to love or care for people I don’t care for. I can’t pretend to like something just because the rest of the world does and I’m okay with that. Those that value this quality are the people I want surrounding me. I feel strongly about a lot, and I always want my opinion heard, and the weak-minded can’t handle that. The way I am might intimidate people and make them feel inferior, and that’s all right with me. I can’t make someone stronger, as much as I’d want to. I just hope that my passion for life and growth, lights a fire under their ass so that soon they’ll find a passion of their own.
Those of you who read Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, might be familiar with the part in the book in which she searches for a word that describes her. One simple word that encompasses who she is.
For those of you who haven’t read it yet, let me give you the rundown. The main character travels through three cities in the world, searching for herself in a sense, after a terrible divorce. Her new found friends and her talk about this one word idea and use it to describe different cities like, New York with “Ambition” and Rome with “sex.”
The main character’s word was “Attraversiamo, which is Italian for “Let’s cross over,” a symbolic meaning for the recent divorcee looking to find the next route in her life. Let’s cross over into new territory; let’s flip the page into the next chapter, sort of thing.
I found mine today. I found it. I read the book almost two years ago, and it wasn’t as impacting or life changing as it is described in reviews. It was decent. The one thing that stuck with me was this small moment, which most people may have just read right over.
Figuring out what my word is only occurred to me when someone recently asked me, “Karla, at 21, who are you?” And I’m sad to say that at the time, I was left speechless. I am rarely left out of words but this simple question that should have been quickly answered, put me on mute.
Did I not know who I was? Do I not know who I am? After hours, days and weeks of racking my brain, I decided to leave it alone. I came up with common answers like dedicated, caring, hard working. The usual, yawn-worthy descriptions you use for yourself in third grade when you do the name exercise in which you find a descriptive word for each letter in your name. I always used Kind, for the K in my name; so unique.
Anyway, as I am sitting at my desk Wednesday morning I saw that the cover story for ELLE’s May issue featuring Rihanna had been published on the website. As my jaw dropped because of the infernally sexy photos, one word practically jumped at me. My eyes zoomed right in. I read the explanation the writer gave of it, and I was sold. I was suddenly immersed in its meaning, quickly creating my own meaning for the word in my head and every word around it started to fade.
It read, LIBERATED. That, I am. Liberated. Free. Me.
This word also resonated with the Barbados singer because of clear issues she went through with ex-boyfriend, Chris Brown. She says that she is free from hate, and full of forgiveness and cares very little about what others think of her.
I didn’t go through what she went through, but I am also liberated and free from all hate, all resentment, every grudge and every nasty feeling I have ever felt. I am free because I no longer am a victim and I don’t feel sorry for myself. I am FREE. I am me.
Liberated to do as I please, when I please, how I please. The world is at my feet. Despite any troubles I had to face, they mean nothing now because they are no longer a part of me. I released them into the abyss of the Universe, and I let them go for good.
No one can ever make me feel inferior or weak or like a dependant. I am my own person. I am my own temple. The impulsive thing to do would have been to mark my body with this word. And although the feeling I felt when I encountered it would be enough reason to get it tattooed on me, the word means so much more than just letters on my body. This word is permanently inked on my heart and perfectly stitched to my soul; and that will suffice.
I, Karla, am finally liberated from every pain, regret, sin, hurt, betrayal, that I ever had to face. It’s no longer my business. They are no longer my prison. Those chains that barricaded me for so long have been let loose, and I will continue to run and soar with this newly found knowledge and wisdom, and there is no end in sight.
He said he fell in love with my smile, with the way I lick my lips without thinking. He said he loves the way I walk and the way I stare, right into his soul. He loves the way I carry myself and he loves the way I smell. He loves every part of me. The best kisser he’s ever known, he said.
He loves the way I am. He loves that I never try to be what I am not. I’m real, and he loves about that about me. I say how I feel and I feel what I show. My emotions so vivid, so pure. He loves the way I look at him and the things I do that make him smile. He loves the way I talk and the things I say. But above all things, he loves the way I make him feel.
Little does he know that it was never my intention to make him fall in love with me.
I don’t believe everything happens for a reason. That’s completely bullshit. So many things happen that don’t have an explanation. So many tragedies, accidents and deaths are often cast off as destiny. We’re told that there’s an underlying reason behind someone’s death or there’s a deeper reason why someone has to suffer through domestic violence. What could possibly be the reason that justifies the pain that people feel during these situations? Is this line just something we use so carelessly to comfort one another, knowing that there may not be any reason at all for their suffering? Are we openly lying to ourselves just so we can believe that there is a light at the end of every dark tunnel?
Yes, we are stronger after certain tragedies and struggles. Yes, there is a lesson learned after every mistake. But is maybe the reason behind these things that someone made the wrong choice, and then we are meant to live with it and suffer their consequences?
Sometimes things happen and we have no control over them. And sometimes they just happen, no reason at all. We just have to live with it.
I was a slave to my silence, and it wouldn’t set me free. I cried and cried but no other sound was coming out of my mouth. I searched high and low for a way to say what I needed to say but just couldn’t formulate the right words. The words that would together create exactly the story, exactly the message I needed to say. I couldn’t do it. Loud screams and yells were piling up within. Word after word, sentence after sentence, paragraph, stanza, the whole nine. Piling up on my paper.
The words poured out of me, through my pen, into the lines that promised freedom. Through this ink I found my underground railroad, that promised an easier, much lighter future.
I saw the light. I was free. The minute the period hit on the last sentence I knew my message was out and clear, meaning I was finally on my way to flying across the skies, sailing through the seas and walking through the earth with nothing on my chest to weigh me down. I was free and I was finally me again.
No worries. No pain. No stress. Just me, my paper and my pen.
People smiling as they ride the bus, sitting in class, walking home after work. No reason at all to smile, not on the surface at least. Something triggered a memory, a thought, and an image of the person they love flashed through their mind. They remember their scent, the feeling in their chest when they’re with them, so vividly. They smile at the fact that they never felt this whole before. They have the love many search for but never find. They have the one that makes them feel loved and helps them sleep better at night. They have everything I saw in you. They have the one I already found. They have everything I lost now that I’m without you.
Asking me to stop loving love and believing in it is like asking an athlete to quit his sport. It is part of who I am, it’s something that defines who I am. I’m a believer that despite how many times our heart aches, there are twice that amount of good moments to be lived through love. I’m a firm believer that everyone in the world has a soulmate, near or far, there’s someone out there for you. I love all things that are bright and light and full of life. I am a lover of all things beautiful and sometimes of things that have been dulled in shine. Everything deserves to be loved. Everyone has the right to be loved. I don’t see why I should give up on love when I never did. I’m young, I know. But there is so much to love I still don’t know, but I am more than ready to find out.
